(Finally) Something to Write Home about

Rut a tut tut

This year has been exceptional in so many ways, and yet I didn't treat it so. I didn't listen properly, I didn't respect my blessings, and I hardly acknowledged them as such. I thought everything was going fine! I was in control! Yadayadayada.

Lately, I've become extremely sensitive to what I ought to do. I'd text a selfie to a friend, asking her whether she'd talk to me in my outfit. I'd say "yes" to meeting another friend, and then feel guilty when cancelling because I'm tortured about it. I'd agree to two dog sitting jobs at once, then feel overwhelmed when I realised my cousins were over to visit. Every time I lost a prospective job, I fixated on what I'd done wrong and how wronged I felt. I'd try and satisfy my friends, my parents, my wallet, and I constantly felt not enough. I stopped looking people in the eye.

That's when I knew something was excessively wrong. I was ashamed to be me. It's difficult to reconcile my work as an actor when my friends make other, more stable choices. Because they don't choose it themselves, I imagine that they think I'm silly for choosing it. I perpetually ask my boyfriend if he's okay dating someone who makes less-responsible choices every day (he definitely is). 

Moreover, my friends pay special attention to grooming, whereas I'm an actress who was hit by the ugly stick (in terms of appearance choices). I leave my hair curly, and therefore frizzy. I resort to dresses most of the time, because pairing and layering items perplex me. And then I meet up with friends who wear makeup every day and have well-fitted clothes, and I feel like so much less than. 

Two days ago was #MentalHealthAwarenessDay, and little me decided to make a change. Firstly, I was to force myself to see others as well-intentioned, not manipulative or derogatory. Secondly, I was going to go to bed at 11. Two little things that have already curtailed my hopelessness. The first one has made one helluva difference. I always have little squabbles with my father, and today I avoided one escalating by trying an ounce of patience. I told myself, "no, he did not intend to belittle me with that statement. I can move on, and we'll go about our plans." When chatting to friends, I listened with compassion. It's interesting how much more compassion and presence I can give, when I provide it to myself first.

Layering Fail (although I just finished knitting that top)!

Well, going to sleep at 11 requires me to finish up this blog, so I can have a bit of peace before sleep. I hope this has urged you too, to take a step back and reflect over the daily blessings you receive. Jaded though I can be, I'm on my way to make a shift, and hopefully rediscover some of the sparkle within me.