The Worst Feeling in the World

Shattered

I roll over to check the time. 4:19am. It's Wednesday morning, and I've woken to the sound of whistling birds, rambunctious neighbors, and the hum of my laptop. A car passes and I wonder whether I'll just drift back to sleep. The week ahead makes me anxious, the day behind, exhausted. 

The week pans out in a blur of events and places, picking up different jobs on top of extra shifts at the coffee shop and dance classes. I travel to and from the city, having work days extending from 8am to 9pm. By the time Friday rolls around, I am used to my 4am internal alarm and decide to do my laundry, harboring the most atrocious feeling in the world: anxiety.

I guess you could say that long working days, lack of sleep and the sudden news of the coffee shop closing would do that to you. We were informed that after this weekend, the shop would close indefinitely. With the end looming over our heads, we packed up shop and went our separate ways with little knowledge of why. For me, the shock was nauseating; I sensed the panic descend upon my coworkers as they realized their future burdens. It made a beeline for my own stomach as I realized I was saying goodbye to a job that makes me so happy, that gives me purpose and community. It gives me skills and regularity and flexibility. All gone in a wink.

Now I sit at home, finally free to type to you, but that freedom creates a sense of "what now?" Part of me wants to just sit and reflect and respect the time I had at Eye Respect. The other part of me wants to panic. I guess it's safe to say life is a whirlwind. Just as quickly as this good has been plucked from me, so can my burdens. It's a valuable lesson in disguise.

So, Stan, the plan is to move onwards and to utilize my newly found freedom in artistic ways. The summer has been good to me. It's rejuvenated me, got me back watching theatre, reading, dancing. The dancing has been a tantamount part of my journey this year. Having had one too many poor dance auditions, I questioned my capacity to work as a professional dancer. Five classes later, I've realized my competence, restored my confidence, boosted my capacity. I can do this. 

So no matter what your struggle is, believing in yourself is the first step. As much as I pine for the job I've lost and commiserate with the coworkers I'll miss, I acknowledge that I have an opportunity in this. Part of me will search for opportunities, the other will invest in what I love and trust that those opportunities will present themselves, just as long as I present my eager, talented self to the world.

Positivity strikes again.

Love

sal