Attraction Issue

A Sorry Story

As the youngest of four, I remember feeling abandoned at age four. My brothers were off to school, and I was stuck with Vangie, Days of Our Lives, and a religious coloring book. It was a tumultuous change for me. I couldn't recall a time when I didn't have my brothers, and now there were expansive gaps when I was alone and bored. This memory is punctuated by the looming drone of the vacuum, the smell of sautéed garlic. 

As my life progressed, that feeling persisted each time one went off to college, moved out of home, or (how dare he) vacationed without me. It was a jolt to the system to see them go, but by the time I'd reached my senior year, I'd just about adjusted to it.

One beautiful spring evening, Mark calls me out of the blue. It was a huge surprise to hear from him, and I remember telling him about my last tennis match. The back of my head kept saying "I wonder why he's calling?" (because he'd never call just because), and then he said it.

"There's something I need to tell you.... I'm gay."

My brain did a wonderful thing:  it rejoiced. It was nice to know that Mark treated me as a confidante, even though we're furthest apart in age. I laughed with the relief that he was safe, and then I felt crestfallen at his next question:  "How do you think the parents will react?"

Wedding Frivolities

Seven years prior, Mark was my scariest brother. His personality, of course, wasn't scary, but I disliked how he abused alcohol, partying well into the night in our basement, the boombox blasting Mariah Carey's "Rainbow" album. It was the first CD I bought for myself, and I was pretty proud Mark was playing it at his party. And then one of Mark's friends emerged from the basement, loudly calling the album "gay".

I wonder how Mark would've reacted then, to his friend. I got upset, obviously, because I loved that album dearly and who is this guy anyway?! But I wonder how many times someone used the term "gay" to insult him, unknowing of his struggle with his sexuality. 

A few years later, Mark got extremely drunk at a family wedding. I remember wanting to leave early, scared to witness what he was doing. I'd heard he danced with all my aunties in succession, and when I spoke about this to Dad, he piped up:

"I had to help Mark home, and he kept blubbering to me, 'you'll never understand... you'll never understand.' It was back then, must've been 2002, that I realised Mark was gay."

In the time between 2002 and 2009 (when Mark came out), Dad never broached the subject. He was bewildered by it, and the topic was still heavily taboo for him. I think about all the older men in my life who never got married. "It's such a shame, he's a sweet man who just didn't find the one," people would say. I speculate that perhaps these men were just closeted, trying and failing to find fulfilment in a heterosexual relationship.**

It hurts my heart to know that Mark found more solace in alcohol than he did in his family. It pains me to know that he was hiding such a pivotal part of himself, something that wasn't condoned, or even discussed. I can't imagine how lost he'd felt, tucking away such a strong part of who he was. I can't imagine how scared he was. 

**Why women were not mentioned here:

-Sal's perspective: women couldn't afford to stay unmarried, what with our lower salaries and all.

-Women have a greater tendency towards sexual fluidity (i.e. having hetero and homosexual relationships). Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, Lisa M. Diamond, 2008.

Return to the Phone Call

When Mark and I were discussing how the parents would react, I immediately said Ma would be fine with it. Mark, on the other hand, said he thought otherwise. Ma treated me with such kindness, acceptance and encouragement. How could she not treat Mark similarly? 

"I thought, because of her religion..." he began to say.

And it hit me hard, the uncertainty that ensued. Perhaps he was right, perhaps my mother would react poorly to it. I realised in that moment, and in the years to come, that I found so much support from my mother because I did everything right in her eyes. 

My Latest Fears

I bring this topic up, because a painful reality has taken place. Some members of our current generation would prefer covering up the existence of homosexual activity, dubbing it as abnormal, sinful. I have an understanding of their perception of sin, and I must say this:  we need to keep lines of conversation open so that today's LGBT communities don't feel rejected. We need our children, friends, cousins, brothers to be able to talk about their emotions and to share this part of themselves. We must acknowledge the direct ties to severe mental disorders, even suicide, that the LGBT community undergo in their struggles to be seen - as their true selves - in our society. 

And we need to realise that the fear and hatred we lay upon these individuals will not only close off an opportunity to grow in compassion, but can estrange a friend forever. 

Marcheeto and Dexy
(I did Dexy's Mo, isn't it Great?)

+Danielle Douez helped to edit this post :)