Reversion is Not an Option

"You've Written Better," he prattles, when I ask his opinion of my latest blog.

I secretly congratulate myself on choosing a boyfriend who doesn't mar his honesty with faff. Moreover, I know he's exactly right. The last post was more of a chronicle, less of a journey. Only when I use this platform to hash out ideas, do I feel compelled to write and write until I press "publish".

I bet you're burning to know: what's it like living at home again? I've received this question repeatedly from friends who are anticipating some drama (obviously it's me, so drama is a prerequisite to most situations). After seven years abroad, it's a jolt for the new me to return to old expectations. I butt heads with my father, but mostly I struggle against my newfound dependence. I can no longer cycle to work, walk to the tube, collect all the mugs in my room without reprimand. Instead, I get reminders to make my bed, take the dog on walks, and am addressed with "What's for dinner?" eighty percent of the time. It's a stark change, but not surprising.

Being home is also shrouded with "my parents are mortal". I see how small Ma is getting, albeit energetic as ever. For the first time in my life, I see her willing, almost eager to retire. I see her adjust to the idea that yes, she will have to spend full days at home with Daddy. Pops, on the other hand, continues to amaze and scare me. Undergoing prostate surgery and bypass surgery in six months is no small feat! However, he's constantly bouncing back, the definition of resilience. He continues to pursue the activities he loves, accruing more and more stories. I'm sure I get my love of storytelling from him.

Wanna know what's up with Van? She's been part of the family for the past 27 years, going home to the Philippines once every two or three years. I ask her if she'd ever marry again. 

"No, I don't want to," she says defiantly. 

"Then who will take care of you when you're old?"

"I don't know."

Thinking of how much time she's invested in our family while sacrificing time with her own, I exclaim, "I'll take care of you!"

"Oh really?! You and Rick?... Okay!"

I guess that's settled then.

Van and Nan are single (and not so ready to mingle)

Reversion Excursion

Throughout the years, Dad's dreams for me have been fortified by the appeal of certainty. Go with the opportunities through those you know and institutions you trust. A few years into my undergraduate degree, I remember him musing, "You know, Mrs. Haddad won't be able to teach soon... maybe you can take over the ballet studio!" When Oakcrest School boasted their new campus, he said, "Oh! Perfect opportunity for you. You could head the drama department." 

The more and more I proceeded in acting, the less and less enticing these options became. Every time Dad voiced these opinions, I felt a twinge of guilt because I didn't want what he wanted for me. Being a teacher and an artist are not mutually exclusive, but by investing my time in a full-time teaching position, I'd be saying "no" to acting on stage. 

Even when returning to the States this year, Mom said, "wait, you're going to dogwalk here too?" Ma had had enough of me going from freelance job to freelance job, and to be honest, I felt the same. I immediately get defensive. "Of course, Ma! I need something flexible to work around auditions."

As the months progressed, I got less invested in the dream. The doggy jobs weren't that regular, and I'd messed up a good handful of auditions here. I was ready to consider something else. Low and behold, Miss Casey (who took over the ballet studio) and Mrs. Miller (music teacher at Oakcrest) got in touch with teaching opportunities in dance and drama respectively. Perhaps this is it! Perhaps after my time abroad, it's time to knuckle down and get serious about a steady future! I go for it.

Plans never solidified at Oakcrest, and once I'd agreed to work for Casey over the summer months, I finally get cast in the District Fringe. Initially I'm torn. I'm a woman of integrity and agreed to teach these classes. But deep down I knew I would not sacrifice my first performance opportunity of the year. Casey has immensely helped me out by taking it all in stride. Although I fret a lot about acting opportunities that coincide, she remains supportive and happy that I can pursue this while helping out at the studio when I can. I still get anxious about auditions when I know the production will clash with the studio's schedule, but Casey and I agree, that's no reason to not turn up. 

After a pretty dry couple of weeks, I get contacted by an artistic director for an audition this coming week, plus a callback for an audition I did at the beginning of the year (go figure). I guess it's safe to say that in this profession you should never settle for a job, because another will be flitting and flirting just around the corner. I'm still learning the ropes in DC, but the opportunities are far greater in number and diversity here than they ever were in London. I'm grateful for the momentum I'm gaining and for the fight in me. Fight I never acknowledged until now.

Let's set this city ablaze.