Delving into the Hurt

Successful Living

I am making an educated guess here, but if you've begun to read this blog, there's a 95% chance that you know me, and know me well. You would describe me as passionate, eccentric, spirited, motivated, happy-go-lucky. You might even venture out and say I was a dreamer.

But I doubt any of you would've come up with the word "successful". It's a difficult realisation for me this past week, as I've taken blow after blow in auditions. I've just come across the hashtag #actorsuncreen, which gives advice on how to cope as an actor dealing with so much rejection. So let's take an examination of the topic at hand: auditions and rejections.

Imagine you're a casting director looking to fill multiple roles in a fringe musical. You want your casting team to be able to see a variety of performers, but moreover you want them to be able to pick the perfect person for the role, so you begin to accept applications from a variety of actors, slotting them in to 5 or 10 minute slots throughout the day.

The casting team probably sees 80-100 candidates in one day and has two days of auditions. That's up to 200 candidates. And they need a cast of ten. So... granted you get an audition from the CD (another whole ballpark), you have a 5% chance of being chosen (the odds are even worse for women, unfortunately). And someone else might be chosen because they have more twitter followers.

LOL.

Knowledge is power, right? Well, I wish I could say it's worked for me consistently, but it doesn't guard you from your emotional investment in productions. Perhaps one of the positive things about auditions is that it truly forces you to develop some coping mechanisms. It also forces you to look further than acting as a career.

When I left acting college, I had a simple formula:  find basic side job(s), ensure you're free for auditions, attend auditions, get acting job, flourish. When embarking in such an indeterminate field, your equation has to be skeletal; the first thing I learned as an actor is to be flexible. To be able to bounce back, maneuver your schedule, be omni-present when it comes to auditions and essentially gain superpowers that allow you to be stretched like silly putty and resilient like diamonds. 

It's really, extremely difficult to do. Most actors will agree with me on this one.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I try and be "myself" in auditions rather than an "altered version of myself to seem more employable". I work as much as I can towards auditions with the hope that this could be it. This could be my next job. I probably stuff my face with food out of nervousness/disappointment (I need to work on my immediate coping mechanisms...) And then back to square one: basic side job(s).

Little Dog in a Big Prairie 

Reassessing Choices

Last year, my side-jobs were secret shopping, refereeing, and waitressing. After my wonderful stint singing on the Baltic Sea, I returned and wanted to find a more suitable array of side-jobs, this time replacing waiting tables with walking dogs. I also began doing promo work and coalescing with an actress to help her with self-tapes. 

This year has been okay. It's been great in terms of auditions; I'm really fighting from my end, and I believe my agency has taken a keener interest in getting me in more doors. I'm really appreciative of that, and it's already a huge step forward. 

But I also need to look at the days in which I've been so bummed out that I don't want to leave the house. The groups of days in which I "roost", turning into extended weekends with no direction. The days I get upset with my dogs because I'm just a frustrated, anxious individual, lacking in sleep and self-compassion. Plus the sun's not been out all week.

Just Let Me Sleep, okay?!?

Lightbulb Moment

Last week, I had the wonderful opportunity to volunteer at a local community theatre as an usher. I understand the theatre industry needs volunteers to compensate for cuts from government funding, and I'm happy to fill the role as it cuts the amount of money I spend watching quality theatre. A win-win in my opinion (although there really should be more funding in the arts, enough said).

My supervisor for the evening was extremely competent, running multiple events for the evening, attending to different parties through his headset and ensuring I was comfortable with the proceedings in case of emergency. At the end of the shift, he asked whether I'd be coming back to volunteer.

"Does anyone actually say 'no'?" I respond.

"Not to my face" he says.

He then asked me what brought me to London.

"Acting. You?" I say.

"Acting.... It didn't quite work out. But I'm happy with my job here." 

"That's more than most can say." 

After a long day (in which I attended a "failed" audition), it was a salve to have this conversation with my supervisor. It was as though the solidarity that bound us, replete with rejection and hurt and anger and frustration, was the only way of resurrection from such a gruesome industry. Moreover, I felt he had bounced back, continued his passion for the theatre in a different, more stable role. And it was admirable for me to see. As I cycled home that evening, I vowed to volunteer more, but also I felt a little more wholesome than I had felt for a while.

Destiny

Who is That Girl I See? 

As I've always felt with an insecure base (I mean, how many of your friends have been able to say their "home address" has been in four different countries in the past three years? and that doesn't even include the cruise job...), it's hard to invest in anything other than acting. But I believe this year has been a realisation that square one of my formula - find side job(s) - is where I spend most of my time. And thus, I need to spend more time investing in something that will develop into a sturdy, fulfilling base for me. One that explores different talents and has room for expansion in skills and mind.

As I come closer and closer to being kicked out of London (for visa reasons), I still cling to the gut feeling that I was destined to be here. Of course, I want it to translate into an awesome acting opportunity, but perhaps I need to realise that life is multidimensional. Perhaps my destiny in London isn't to do with acting, but perhaps a developed understanding of life, love, commitment and passion.

I may not get my chance to "shine" on stage in 2016. But it's time I start seeing myself as that diamond, with other facets that are glinting in the sun, waiting for more exposure.