OTT (yeah you know me)

The Fear is Real(ly disgruntling)

We've been waiting 10 minutes backstage, mic packs secured, hair sprayed, lashes glued, costumes tucked. It's another run of another show, and I am currently professing my forever trust in Jesus while also pacing and muttering lines to myself. It unnerves you, you try and soothe me, and I retort by pulling as many faces as possible while also preparing my voice with soft sirens and vocal adduction. I walk away, turn back to say something, stop myself and continue to pace in my unease. The opening chords of the show resound, and I'm in a right state. We go onstage.

It takes me a couple of minutes to sink into my pace, to find my character amidst the fear and adrenaline. And suddenly, there I am, ready to convey a story, open to challenging the audience. I stride with confidence (if the character allows) and descend further and further into her, furrowing my brow as she does, clutching her hands as she does. She is here.

Sometimes it takes this rush of adrenaline to help launch me into character, but for the most part I have both freeze and flee reactions to this heightened fear. I can't quite control anything, from the shallowness of my breath to the strain in my muscles. The rehearsals prepare me for this; I sail over the intensity of my fear, concentrating on doing my duty, on the portrayal of the scenes, one by one. I get my first laugh, and the absolute fright turns into something like delight. I continue.

I Wonder

Is there any way around this? These all-encompassing feelings of fear and doubt? When I auditioned in NYC last week, that fear surmounted any preparations I'd done, preceding me into the audition room. Little of what I did came from within, but rather I was dragged onward by that feeling of fear. I applauded myself for getting through my first audition of the year (doing an extremely difficult song), but I pinpointed the moment when that fear escalated:  when the helper announced I would be third next to sing.

Yesterday, I had another audition. I arrived to the city with plenty of time, so was extremely casual about finding the venue. Low and behold, I put "Calvert Street" into the GPS, not "South Calvert Street", a location approx 4 miles away! With 20 minutes until my audition, I backed out of my park and headed downtown to trafficked roads and stoplights, pot holes and 30mph signs. I found street parking and rushed into the building, a minute after my allotted time. They handed me paperwork, and said I'd be next in the room.

At the time, I needed to pee, I needed to explain my tardiness, I also needed to get my headshot, resume, and sheet music out of my bag. I chatted to the attendant for two minutes and then I was in, singing songs I was meant to sing to a panel that was meant to hear me.

With very little nerves at all.

Perhaps it was the relief from finding a park quickly. Perhaps it was the fact that my voice was nice and responsive from a car-ride of singing. Perhaps it was because I didn't have a horrible time in a waiting room, watching all the singers go off to [the gallows], I mean audition, one by one.

Father's Daughter

There are things I've learned from my father, both through my genes and through my lessons. That evening when sitting around the dinner table, I told him how I wasn't nervous for the audition, just happy to go in and perform. He replies, "I used to be like that playing rugby. It annoyed the other players, but I couldn't just sit and watch other games. I just put on my jersey and ran straight out onto the field to play."

If only my father had told me this information before. Spending so much time being nervous for auditions and performances, perhaps the key element was to just be somewhere else, not worried about what was about to transpire, and just run into it. I've done the prep. I've warmed up just fine, but I needed my equivalent of just throwing on my jersey. I needed my equivalent of running straight onto the field.

Because I did not have the time to dread what was to happen, I went into the room clear headed. Now my dad is certain I will get this job, but I look at it differently. I'm learning the tricks to curbing my audition and performance nerves. I think it's safe to say all I need is a slight and active distraction. 

Travel Extraordinaire  

My first month in the USA is coming to a close. I'm pretty proud of how I've spent my time, working full-time at Salt Bagel and taking a few days to audition both in NYC and Baltimore. I got a bike and cycled to work, as I dream of doing for the rest of my life. I ate at least 2 bagels each day, not great for my beach bod, and now I'm off to Sydney (and I apologize now for my lack of beach bod). 

As much as I tell people I'd rather not travel, I end up doing a lot of it every year. Last year, I lived in London but began the year with Sweden and Finland and USA. I took holidays in Italy, France, Monaco, Morocco, USA, and finally Iceland at the beginning of this year. Needless to say, "terra incognita" is alive and reigning. I will never be free of it, and I am grateful. 

Now shall we play "guesstination"?